OVERCOMING LONELINESS

OVERCOMING LONELINESS

     "What happened to all those people who visited me in hospital?"  

     "Why doesn't Joanna ever phone anymore...?"

     "You'd think by the way that Vince has been avoiding me that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend anymore."

     "I wonder if my wife really will leave one day.  She threatens to all the time."

     After a brain injury, loss of friendships, relationships or closeness with family may very well be one of the greatest difficulties for survivors.  That an ABI causes medical and physical problems is expected but having one can change the way you relate and act toward others.  Understanding this is important.  From that realization we can move on to discover ways to hang onto and even improve old relationships.  It's also a starting point to learn how best to create new ones.  

     It's inevitable that we will lose some important relationships but the ones that endure says much about the people they are.  Our peers, family or work mates react uniquely to illness or change in us and those who don't disappear show us the strength and caring that they are capable of.  This is a good situation to remember that old adage, 'We find out who our friends are!' 

     

     While members of our ABI group were being interviewed for a video, I heard many answers to this question:  "What do you appreciate about this weekly social group?"  Many talked about the trust, companionship and involvement in fun outings or events in our meeting place.

     But the ones that stood out most this week were those that created some stark imagery for me.  The answers went something like this,"I can be among people instead of staring at my four walls and the TV."  or "It's an escape from arguing with my mother all the time."  "Sometimes I feel so alone and seeing my friends here once a week is something I look forward to."

     Loneliness...  It's everywhere among the group of us.  Thankfully for myself, I have always been somewhat of a loner, painting at my easel, reading and writing.  I seem to function well on 4 or 5 visits each week whether here at home or in someone else's space.  It's important to remember that I no longer work so that former 8 hours each day is now spent in my own company and admittedly, I kind of enjoy the quiet.   I choose to stay in quite a lot but like to go to a movie once in a while or maybe visit a gallery or an event with a friend.  I prefer to shop alone and in the old days I needed the alone time I had while hiking.  However, if it's much more often than those 4 or 5 visits each week, I tend to get overwhelmed and fatigued.  The same goes for not getting enough people time, though.  Then I tend to feel a bit down until getting a 'fix' of a good chat.

     Now back to those who are more social and extroverted than I am.  Many of these folks worked in the public eye or attended school with many fellow students.  They enjoyed daily lunches with coworkers, attended board meetings or laid on crowded beaches with friends many weekends.  I call them social butterflies (very unlike me).   They may have lost those everyday social skills we take for granted.  Possibly, they anger more easily and frighten those who knew them in their calmer years.  Or like me, they may have become much more self conscious and awkward.  Certainly fatigue, so common in brain injury, changes the socialization process for so many.  One can simply lose relationships when they find they can't keep up with their peers anymore.  Weekend trips or weekday evening get-togethers become so difficult when one needs to rest frequently, is sensitive to noise or the chaos of several people talking at once.  Focus is such a common loss and a stereo or TV playing, friends talking with us and then a phone ringing are now distractions.  Before an ABI, this was seen as the normal chaos of life.  Now it's something overwhelming to be avoided or tempered in the best way possible.

     I would like to see more social groups spring up across this country, offering survivors a place to fit in and enjoy the company of others.   I am fortunate to have a few good friends and enjoy my family but within our own social group, I have met some fascinating and cherished friends.  

     And very simply, it is one day of the week that I don't have to explain things.  I can just be myself.