A FEELING OF SELF-WORTH

     Among survivors of brain injury, there is a broad range of disabilities which affect how dependent we actually become and the differences are more diverse and on a longer scale range than many other medical conditions.  My own injury was rated as 'severe' at that time after repeated impact injuries to the head and then having a stroke during surgery to repair a ruptured aorta.  I know that my recovery was much more advanced than anyone expected.  I am grateful and humbled for being able to manage certain things that give so many other survivors of an ABI great difficulty.

     I am able to live in a house I love with modifications and hired assistance.  I am able to phone for a taxi and go to the places that I need, perform limited housekeeping and keep filing in partial order(!)    I also keep up a social life although not a dazzling, social butterfly type.  I never was exceptionally social and certainly limits have been added now, but I still visit with friends & family, cook meals with them, play board games, watch movies together and have great discussions.  I even make rare appearances at parties.  I also sneak off alone on my scooter for some much appreciated 'me' time, enjoying the sights of this pretty town or I can just sit at my easel and paint.  It really is about quality and not quantity, making the best with less.

     I was 43 when I was injured badly enough to render me dependent on the medical field, my friends & family.  I still have some dependency issues but I have long since hired most of the assistance needed for my disabilities.  The line for friends & family generosity and goodwill is a fine one that I respect highly.  

     Many of you know what it's like to become suddenly dependent for those things once taken for granted.   Most consider having a career, driving a vehicle, managing personal bookkeeping, taking care of our home and having a social life as rights.  So having to give up any of those things permanently has a huge impact on self.

     My self esteem still isn't the greatest but with age it has improved significantly.  I consider myself a born nurturer and always will be but I no longer allow myself to be drawn into ongoing activities or a dreaded event  in order to keep a friend company through it.  However, when in a shop I will likely look for things for my family or friends before finding something for myself.  Whether I make and decorate cookies with my beloved grandsons or cook for friends, I do try to send the extras home with them (partly so that it isn't beckoning to me when I am alone and vulnerable!) but I love showering goodies on people I love.  And I'm not even Italian!
     Would it be that hard to just treat myself sometimes?!  I fix my hair and dress well to go to some gatherings but it's the quick trips to the store or library that I neglect how I present myself.
     Two weeks ago my daughter showed up at my door saying,"Mom, throw something else on and come to Les Mis with me.  Oh, and it starts in 15 minutes!"  I was sitting at my easel painting, dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a smock, both absolutely covered in paint.  So I changed into clean jeans and pulled a sweater over the smock.  I brushed my hair and put it back into the pony tail it's always in.  As my daughter is swinging her car keys at the door, I pull on my coat, step into my shoes and grab both canes - not presentable but I never see anyone I know in the movie theatre.
     Upon exiting Les Mis when it was over I was stunned to see one of the best dressed couples I know standing in front of me.  I was so embarrassed and so nervous that I'm not really sure what we even said to each other but I sure high-tailed it to the car when the exchanges were over.  I realized that I was wearing odd socks that showed; my sweater didn't completely cover the painting smock (the splotched tails were sticking out the bottom) and I knew what my hair looked like!
     I can't remember when I last made a New Year's resolution but I'm not sure if the promise I made to myself this year isn't just a necessary lifestyle change.  It went something like this...  Always caring about others before myself needs to change a bit.  This year and always, I need to start paying more attention to 'me'.

1.   What do I want?  Is there something special I could do for myself?  A trip?  Spa time or a great      concert?  What can you do for yourself?  And don't make excuses like I have.  There is a way around almost anything!

2.    I think the last time I wore makeup was at an Aloette cosmetics party several years ago!  In fact,
I still have the untouched compacts in my bathroom cabinet.  I've never been a big user of it but starting this year I will use a little.  And no more pulling my hair back into a pony tail!  It has to 'look 'done'.

3.    I used to love clothes.  So out with the stuff that doesn't fit, is worn or out of style.  For those of
us who need to watch our pennies, thrift stores are blessings in disguise.  You don't need to buy things at retail if they are in excellent shape and superior quality.  I tagged along with someone going to Goodwill last winter and happened to find a lovely, double breasted camel hair coat in my size for $15.  It looks like a $1,000 coat and it makes me feel good.

4.    And finally, but most importantly, is my physical health.  This is a big one for me as after my        accident I  suddenly have health 'concerns'.  My heart had some damage so I have been militant with food ever since, keeping my blood pressure and cholesterol down.   However, my fitness has taken a fall due to my vestibular disorder which in turn has me carrying some excess weight, complicating things all around!   Movement makes me more unstable and light headed than I already am so for the past 9 years I have been sedentary trying not to move.  That is also coming to a halt.  I will become fit again by hiking (true, with a walker this time).  But I plan to hang on and hike through that constant dizziness.  It thinks it owns me and so it is time to turn the tables on it!
    
       My happiness rests on doing what I am able to - with the disabilities that I have.  I've always dreamed of living in a century home and by purchasing a tiny, affordable one with everything for my own living on the main floor I achieved that dream.  I'm in a quiet, neighbourhood that is pure joy to live in.  Unless I install a stair lift one day, the only ones who ever go upstairs are my guests and the friend who cleans for me.  I've rarely been able to go upstairs unless someone is with me. My ensuite bath, walk in tub, laundry, kitchen and MBR are all on the main floor.  
      Your life should also include some of those things that give you contentment.  Where you live is a basis.  If it isn't the condo you dreamed of, fix it up like one.  Just some paint makes a big difference.  Then choose something amazing for it.  If you are a stereo hound, an astrology or movie buff - choose the best equipment that you can afford to partake in those activities.   For many, nothing is 'affordable' and if that's the case, then take advantage of activities that are free or subsidized.  Some of the best years of my life were lived while raising 2 kids alone with one clerical income!  And then set your mind to being proud and happy with your life.  I know well that that is easier said than done but positivity is something that does not happen over night.  It surely needs to be worked at.

       Go for happiness!  You are worth it and you deserve it!